


MOCKFICK: Book 2 - Technically The First

by Popful



Category: Furry (Fandom), Shin Megami Tensei Series, Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types, 塊魂 | Katamari Damacy
Genre: Dark Comedy, Gen, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-25
Updated: 2014-04-25
Packaged: 2018-01-20 17:40:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1519454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Popful/pseuds/Popful
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an old parody I wrote of my best friend's various attempts at fanfiction, back when I was in that stupid "edgy" phase everyone goes through.</p><p>... I'm so sorry, everyone...</p>
            </blockquote>





	MOCKFICK: Book 2 - Technically The First

**Author's Note:**

> Before we begin, I'd like to give this thing some context.
> 
> Basically, a friend of mine tried to write a self-insert fic based on a dream he had about going on an Earthbound-esque adventure around the world with me, a friend of his, and some girl I've never met.
> 
> He would've started it with a dream about hearing voices calling for help, then Sparkster (his husbando at the time) would land in his backyard.
> 
> Oh, and we'd be joined by the likes of Sparkster, Bubsy, Zero the Kamikaze Squirrel, Aero the Acrobat, and loads of other not-Sonic mascot characters as we rescued them, then we'd finally face down their respective villains, and then celebrate by doing the Wess Dance.
> 
> Yes, really.
> 
> After several attempts at writing the thing, he ended up trying to turn it into an RP, which crashed because he threw a tantrum over whatever.
> 
> And then he started writing yet ANOTHER attempt at a fanfic based on that botched RP.
> 
> I wrote the first chapter of this parody when he asked if I'd mind helping him a bit with his fanfic.
> 
> As it turns out, he found my parody hilarious, and wanted me to keep writing.
> 
> The following story does not in ANY way reflect my beliefs, past or present, and I apologize in advance for any rage this may bring on, especially anything related to the "Pizza Messiah". At the time, my friend and I loved finding tracts by Jack Chick and mocking them, and the whole thing about Pizza Messiah was to make fun of fundamentalist Christians like him, NOT Christians/Christianity in general. I'm good friends with and related to several sane Christians, and this aspect is honestly the only part that actually embarrasses me years later.
> 
> Regarding the whole shtick with "alignments", I was playing through Shin Megami Tensei at the time, and wanted to include some reference to it in there, in addition to getting everyone's names from it.
> 
> Okay, enough covering my ass, on with the show!

Chapter 1: FIX IT, HOOTER!

It all began with a grunt.

A grunt and a moan of the universe taking a huge strain, a cosmic dump of stupid proportions.

The meteors came in rapid succsession, screaming towards Earth with the speed of several googolsextillion guinea pigs on crack.

But first, let's focus on some random kids in a town in Apple Pie Land.

 

"No, NO! Sir Banana Banjo's the uke, dammit! You drew him in in the wrong position!", said the weeaboo formerly known as Eric. He'd changed his name to Takeshi the year before, and had gotten himself into the furry fandom, much to the chagrin of his "artist" buddy formerly known as Rocky, who changed his name to Kazuya, at Takeshi's insistence.

Kazuya's art was shit, and he knew it, but he drew at Takeshi's insistence. He had drawn his fifteenth attempt at Sir Banana Banjo's freakishly long opossum ding-dong penetrating Sparkster.

It was Takeshi's birthday, so it was of course mandatory to draw art for the birthday boy.

The nerdy boy formerly known as Daniel, now called Yuji at the insistence of Takeshi, sighed.  
"How long is this gonna go on? I wanna eat the cake."

"As long as it takes, man!", Takeshi snapped, unmoved in his position. "And you'd better save the piece with Sparkster on it for me!"

The cake in question had Jack Frost (at Kazuya's insistence), Ran Yakumo (at Yuji's insistence), Sparkster (at Takeshi's insistence) fully clothed (at everyone else's insistence), and Kyubey (at nobody's insistence, he kinda just showed up) drawn in icing.

"I. Am gonna eat CAKE. AND NOBODY'S GONNA STOP ME!", Yuji shouted as he made a mad dash for the cake.

"Me, too!", Kazuya said as he dashed after Yuji.

Takeshi dashed last. "SAVE ME THE SPARKSTERRRR!"

Everyone dashed at the cake, and began eating it all at once, a mess being made as Kazuya took the Sparkster piece and shoved it messily in Takeshi's mouth, and Yuji greedily ate the rest apart from Kyubey, which nobody touched, because they were already full by that time, and nobody liked  
the little bastard anyway.

A shooting star appeared in the night sky, and the trio saw it.

"Let's wish on it!" said Takeshi. Takeshi whispered quietly, "I wish Sparkster was real." Kazuya whispered even more softly, "I wish I could be cooler and have Takeshi find me attractive." Yuji said out loud, "I wish there was more cake."

"Yuji, it's bad luck to say your wish out loud like that!", Takeshi said, glaring at Yuji.  
"Plus, that was a stupid wish, why not something awesome, like a robot dinosaur?", Kazuya said, contemplating the remaining piece of cake and wondering if he should eat it since nobody else would.  
"It's just a superstition, guys! Sheesh!", Yuji said, his glasses fogging up.

None of them noticed until it was too late that the star was headed right toward them. The star in question was one of the hugeass meteors that were mentioned earlier, but you didn't give enough of a damn to remember.

When they all came to, Takeshi noticed three things.

There was a helluva lot of cake in the meteor. Face-first in the cake was Sparkster.

Also, Kazuya had been crushed by said meteor.

"NOOOOOO! KAZUY- Hey, Sparkster! YES!" Takeshi unzipped his pants.

When Yuji came to, he noticed two things. One, he was covered in cake. Two, he was lying on the chest of a character from a webcomic he'd never read. If he'd read Slightly Damned, he'd have run as fast as his feet could carry him. Said character was Iratu.

When Kazuya came to, he noticed that he was now huge, covered in black fur, and apparently back from the dead, if the corpse under the meteor and Takeshi's half-assed grief were any indication.

He also noticed that Yuji was lying on his chest, so he swatted him off.

Kazuya looked in the mirror and saw that he was now effectively a clone of Iratu, a character from one of his favorite webcomics. He also saw that his clothes were replaced with the wardrobe said character wore.

He decided he'd spook Takeshi as revenge for the aforementioned half-assed mourning. He whispered to a bemused Yuji, "It's me, Kazuya. I'm gonna scare the hell outta Takeshi. Cover your ears."

Yuji complied.

Kazuya walked in on Takeshi jacking off to Sparkster's unconcious body. He got on all fours, tackled Takeshi, and roared like a demon. Which he now technically was.

"OH MY GOD I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO BECOME A FURRY DON'T KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!", Takeshi screamed.

Kazuya laughed and said, "I just wanted to see if I could make you piss your pants. Mission accomplished." He laughed even harder and said, "It's me, Kazuya. Thanks for the tear-jerking funeral, you ass."

When Sparkster came to, he noticed three things. One, he noticed that he'd landed in someone's house. Two, he was covered in cake and... something else, he had the feeling he didn't wanna know. Third, he noticed a demon that was hovering over a terrified boy with his pants unzipped.

He then realized what the "something else" was, and puked.

Takeshi saw Sparkster get up and squealed with delight, rushing over to hug him as a way of saying, "I'm your biggest fan and I wanna have your babies and I'm so excited that I get to actually meet you and I'm sorry I got my reproductive matter all over you, I swear that was an accident."

Sparkster drew his sword as a way of saying, "Get the hell away from me".

Yuji walked in on this scene, and said, "Whoops, I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"You are." Takeshi said.

"You aren't." Kazuya and Sparkster said.

Yuji said, "Oh, good, 'cause there's a bunch of pig-men at the front door, and they all want to have a word with Sparkster."  
"NOOO! THEY WILL NOT TOUCH MY SPARKYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!", Takeshi screamed as he grabbed the sword (technically a katana, but everyone called it a sword to piss him off) known as the Kurimasumune Kai hanging on his wall, passed down by the ancient holy feudal order of the Wapaniyama clan from generation to generation of wussy weeaboo boys, until it landed in worthy hands.

Takeshi nerdraged toward the pig-men, summoning the might of his ancestors as he swung his sword while bellowing like the unholy spawn of a norse god and a goat, his eyes burning with the fires of Gehenna's dorkier circles.

He was knocked down by the butt of a pig-man's sword.

It still hadn't landed in worthy hands. Takeshi's ancestors were ashamed.

Kazuya casually walked outside, picked up Takeshi by the collar of his shirt with the tip of his claw, and tossed him toward Yuji. "Sorry about that asshat. Now, what's the trouble, boys?"

One of the pig-men spoke up and said "We were going to ask Sparkster what his recipe for Squidgut Pasta is. It was a hit at our last 'We're Good Guys Now And Totally Aren't Going To Backstab You Later' feast."

Sparkster gave the pig-men his Squidgut Pasta recipe.

When Takeshi came to, he screamed "I WILL NEVER LET YOU TAKE HIM!"

"Shut up, Takeshi, they're gone.", Yuji said.

And then an army of miniature dolls attacked Tokyo.  
This has nothing to do with our story, but it was neat to mention.

Takeshi then expressed his feelings for Sparkster in the most eloquent way possible.  
"MAKE LOVE TO ME, SPARKY!"

Sparkster expressed his feelings for Takeshi in the most eloquent way possible.  
"Get the hell away from me, you horrid sexual deviant!"

Shortly afterward, Takeshi was in his bedroom crying while licking his Sparkster plushie.  
"Why have you shunned me, my hero?! WHY?!"

Kazuya stood outside Takeshi's room, mulling over the situation. "Am I really about to take advantage of my best friend when he's emotionally vulnerable like this? ... PFFT! Hell yeah, I am!"

Kazuya took advantage of Takeshi while he was emotionally vulnerable.

Meanwhile, somewhere else in the US, a totally unrelated woman was feeding her cats when  
she suddenly shuddered violently. "I feel... a disturbance, like somewhere, someone is  
doing unspeakable things with something I created."

Kazuya and Takeshi had done unspeakable things with each other.  
Takeshi said, "Whoa, that was unspeakable. Let's never mention this ever again."

"Agreed.", Kazuya said, as he went to shower off the aftermath of their unspeakable acts.

Meanwhile, Yuji had been fighting off a horde of zombie weiner dogs with an assault rifle that had been passed down from generation to generation of elite soldiers of the Boketsukkomi until it landed in worthy hands.

Then its last owner sold it to a pawn shop for booze money.

Yuji had bought it knowing absolutely none of this.

When the last of the zombie weiner dogs was down, the ancestors of the boozehound had rejoiced, for the rifle had fallen into worthy hands.

 

Chapter 2: Sorry, Vicar, I thought it was a biscuit.

After Kazuya and Takeshi had showered together while making out, they walked into the living room, where Yuji was disposing of the weiner dog corpses.

"Sorry 'bout the mess, guys. A bunch of zombie weiner dogs attacked the house.", Yuji said while scraping doggie brains off the wall.

"Dammit, that's the third month in a row that happened!", Takeshi complained.

"Well, all that bullshit's got me hungry, I'm ordering pizza.", Kazuya said.

"I want pineapple and olives on mine.", Sparkster said.

Kazuya stared at Sparkster. "... Why are you still here?"

"He helped defeat the zombie weiner dogs.", Yuji said.

"... Right. Pineapple and olives, what else?"

"Mushrooms and goat anus.", Yuji said.

"... What?"

"Pepperoni. What did you THINK it was?"

"... Right."

After the pizza was ordered, the pizza man showed up within 12 seconds.  
The man wore a cross necklace and a "JESUS PEED STANDING UP" button.  
"Thank you for ordering Pizza Messiah, here's a complimentary 'Li'l Suzy' tract."

Unfortunately, it was Kazuya who showed up to pay the man. "Thanks, lessee, that was $16.66, right?"

"MY LORD, A DEMON! I never thought I'd have to use this!" The man pulled out a holy water  
spray-bottle and sprayed it on Kazuya.

It had no effect beyond getting Kazuya's shirt wet.

"Egad! I must unload the HEAVY ARTILLERY!" The pizza man took out a crucifix and began hitting Kazuya in the chest with it while shouting "UR-OYAY ATHER-FAY NI-AY EAVEN-HAY ALLOWED-HAY E-BAY Y-THAY AME-NAY!"

Kazuya was simply annoyed by this.

The pizza man finally screamed, "I IMPLORE THEE, LORD, GRANT ME STRENGTH TO  
SMITE THIS ABOMINATION!"

A beam of white light shot down toward the pizza man, who then transformed into a morbidly obese six-armed woman with angel wings and a toga, holding a sword with the words "JESUS  
IS MY HOMIE" engraved on the blade.

"NONE OF YOU ARE CHRISTIAAAAAANS!!!! YOU'RE ALL EVIL DARK-SIDED PSYCHIC PAGAN COMMUNIST WITCHCRAFT DEVIL-WORSHIPPER FAGGOTS!!!! YAAAAAA!!!!", the Hambur- I mean, God Warrior screamed while waving her sword innefectually in a comically insane fashion.

Yuji came to the door. "What's taking so lo- ... Oh. Hang on."

Yuji went and got his assault rifle, and promptly mowed down the God Warrior with it.

And God saw that it was stupid.

"Dammit, Yuji, I told you we should've ordered from Neutral Mushroom.", Takeshi said.

"Neutral Mushroom's too expensive, Takeshi.", Kazuya said. "We're ordering from Louis Cypher's Pizza next time."

"No way, man! I already shifted my alignment 3 points towards Chaos from killing that guy,  
my family's gonna hate me if I'm not Law!", Yuji said.

"Your parents are asshats anyway, Yuji."

"Yeah..."

"You're gonna have to go pay the pizza place in person, Yuji. I'm not gonna pay the $100 entry fee for Chaos aligned types."

Yuji then set out with $16.66, on a mission to pay the guys at Pizza Messiah. Unfortunately, the  
car had broken down earlier and was in need of repairs.

Yuji had to endure hobos, Messians, demon clowns, and Vivi from Final Fantasy IX.  
He reached the Pizza Messiah, and inside the building, tapestries of Jesus and the Apostles  
baking pizza hung on the walls while T-shirts with slogans such as GOD HATES  
ANCHOVIES and WHAT WOULD JESUS WANT ON HIS PIZZA? hung from the ceiling.

Yuji walked up to the counter.

At the counter was an anthro wolf wearing a cross necklace, a WWJWOHP shirt, and a button that said "THE SON IS MY MOON".

"Welcome to Pizza Messiah, fellow Law-aligned servant of God! Our special today is the  
Holy Trinity.", the wolf said.

Yuji wasn't sure how to break it to them, so he just ouright said, "Your pizza delivery guy was killed by a demon."

"That's the third one that we've lost!"

"Oh... I know there's nothing I can say that would help, but... try not to feel too bad."

"Try not to feel too bad?! Damn, that was insensitive!"

"Sorry. Anyway, here's the $16.66 that we were supposed to pay."

With the pizza paid for, he went back to the house and saw Kazuya, Takeshi, the girl  
who has always been known as Yuka, all eating pizza and... pork chops?

"Hey, Yuji." Kazuya said. "Want some pork chops?" He offered a piece to him.

Yuji paused. "... You didn't..."

"We did." Kazuya said nonchalantly.

"You're MONSTERS! What do you have to say for yourselves?!"

"He's tasty."

Yuji stared at the Messian pork chops. "... Is he?"

Yuka was the sole female of the group, she was a friend of Yuji's who'd been introduced  
to the other two when she went to Kazuya's place to help fight the first zombie weiner-dog invasion earlier that month.

Takeshi said, "C'mon, we had to get rid of him SOMEHOW. Help us out!"

Yuji gingerly ate some of the "pork" chops. "... Damn, he IS tasty... Where'd Sparkster go?"

"He got the hell outta here when I suggested we eat the pizza guy.", Kazuya said, causing  
Takeshi to sigh a bit.

Yuji shrugged. "Can't blame him. I'm honestly surprised that he even stayed for the pizza."

Kazuya asked, "Am I the only one wondering how I'm gonna be changed back?"

"You are.", Yuka said as she took another bite. "Anyway, considering how Takeshi's ga-ga  
for you now, why would you even want to? I know you've wanted him for a long time."

"I miss having hands. On the other- uh, claw, you're right." Kazuya goosed Takeshi,  
and they made out.

Meanwhile, a totally unrelated woman woke up in a cold sweat.  
"Damn, what a dream. I'm never eating pork chops before bed ever again."

Focusing back on the kids, a passing Katamari had rolled up their house, and they now had to find new lodgings. They looked in the classifieds and found an ad that said:

WANTED:

A fellow villain to be my partner-in-crime for various horrible deeds.  
Must be willing to murder, rob, wreak havoc, and do unspeakable things to innocents.  
Bring whatever minions you want, the more the merrier! (MAKE SURE THEY CAN AIM WELL).  
WILL PROVIDE LAIR.

 

Kazuya said, "Well, that's convenient."

Yuji said, "Guys, I'm Lawful Good, and my parents will ha-"

"They're asshats anyway.", Yuka said.

"... Good point. Okay, to hell with my alignment. You in, Takeshi, Yuka?"

"Hell yeah!", they both said.

And so they went to the address listed.

There was a sinister-looking castle surrounded by a lava moat, decorated by gargoyles that were probably the kind that would suddenly come to life and kill trespassers, and hellhounds frothed with green acid saliva. Three blocks away from the address listed.

The actual lair was a white marble castle with little naked baby angel statues that probably weren't the kind that would come to life and kill you when you weren't looking, but Yuji stared at them for a while anyway.

Yuji asked, "Are you sure this is the right place?"

"One way to find out." Kazuya knocked on the door.

An angelic head stuck out. "Yes?"

"We came for the partner-in-crime job. These guys are my minions.", Kazuya said, gesturing  
towards the other three.

"Ah! Yes, I'm the one who put that ad out. My name's Damien. Come on in!", the angel(?) said.

"I thought the lair'd be a bit more like the place three blocks away.", Takeshi said.

"That's a decoy. Seriously, why would anyone make their lair that damned obvious?  
Anyway, do you have any experience in villainy?"

Kazuya casually said, "We've killed people before, I've done unspeakable things with Takeshi, and we cannibalized a guy (I'm the one who cooked him). Also, Yuji's got great aim."

Yuji shot a random passerby from 12 feet behind him to illustrate this.

"THAT WAS MY GRANDMOTHER!" Damien said.

"Tough shit." Kazuya coldly replied.

"... Damn, you ARE evil... Welcome aboard!"

"Awesome! So, when do we start?"

"Actually, there's a nearby town that's having its 10th annual "We Are Innocent And Defenceless" parade."

"Let's do it to it, then!", Kazuya said.  
Chapter 3: Honey, we're out of peanut butter!

But when they got there, havoc was already being wreaked.

A gay furry nudist colony was also having a parade at the same time, and the two crashed into each other.  
They were fighting over who had the better parade, and Kazuya, Damien, Yuji, and Yuka decided to steal some moon pies and watch them fight with plastic dog dildos and inflatable hammers while Takeshi jacked off to the spectacle.

"Hey, aren't we going to, you know, attack?", Yuka asked.

"After they wear themselves out. This is pretty funny.", Damien said.

"True." Yuka smiled in amusement.

They watched the paraders fight until they finally got tired of the spectacle and attacked.

It was a really easy fight, Kazuya batted the paraders aside while Yuka stomped the nudists'  
testes, Yuji laid waste to the floats (and ate the candy inside), and Takeshi did unspeakable  
things with the furry corpses.

After the parades were ruined, the innocents molested,  
and the Moon Pies eaten, a band of three heroes came to save the day.

One was a man in a wheelchair with a urine bag attached to it, wearing a messy diaper. The second was a 300 pound manchild wearing a striped shirt and a medallion bearing the image of a cross between Anakin Skywalker and James Pond, and the third was an 8-year-old girl jumping around excitedly, saying "CANWEFIGHTTHEMNOWBOBBY? CANWECANWECANWE?"

The wheelchair-man said, "After we say the motto, Bow.", then pointed at the sky and said  
"To protect the world from constipation!" The manchild said, "To unite all retards within our  
nation!" "To denounce the evils of homosexual love!" "To pretend we reach to the stars above!"

"Bobby!" "Booby!" "BOW!" Then they all said in unison, "Team Special-"

Yuji machine-gunned them all. "Welp, that's that! Back to HQ?"

"Yep." Damien said.

Later, at the hall of injustice...

"Where the hell did all these penguins come from?!"

Damien opened the door to the lair to find that penguins had taken over the place.

A tanned man with long silver hair and chiseled muscles wearing leather pants said "It is I, HANDSOME, Seeker of Hotness! These penguins are looking for the Paragon of Beauty  
so I can steal her power and be even sexier!"

"Get the fuck out of my house!" Damien said.

"Hmph! Who are you, to order ME about? I'll show you the true power of HOTNESS!"

Bishonen sparkles surrounded the man and he grew a single bat wing on his back, and he produced  
an impossibly huge sword from nowhere. He rushed at Yuji, who immediately gunned him.

The bullets pierced his chest, causing him to bleed profusely, but he didn't falter.

"AAAAAH, my blood! My shiny, sparkly blood! Behold the power of HOTNESS!"

Kazuya knocked Handsome aside.

"My beautiful face! Give me strength, HOTNESS!"

He sprayed his glistening hair and attacked them all with it in a broad swoop.

"You, Kazuya, are quite attractive, join me, and we'll rule the world with the power of HOTNE-"

Takeshi jump-humped Handsome and did unspeakable things to him.

As Handsome lay dying, Kazuya asked "Who's the Paragon of Beauty? She might be fun to kill."

"She... Is one of the Eight Paragons of Light... They plan to... Bring about.. Eternal... P...e...a...c...e... To... the... w...o...r...l...d..."

"Why are you spelling those words out?" Yuji asked.

Handsome was too dead to answer that.

"Holy shit, you guys, ETERNAL Peace?! We'll be out of business if that happens!" Damien said.

Takeshi said "Yeah, we've gotta stop them, but how are we gonna find them?"

"No problem." Yuka said, pinching a part of her skin and pulling it off like a tablecloth to reveal  
the form of a lizardwoman. "My connections with the Illuminati and the scalie fandom will help us track them down."

"You were a lizardwoman the whole time?" Kazuya asked, intrigued.  
"Yeah, and Yuji's a werewolf on the full moon."

Takeshi said "And I'm an opossum trapped in a human body!"

Kazuya said "No, you're my little human plaything, that's what you are."

"I'm an opossum on the inside, and I plan on getting surgery to reflect my true inner self!"  
Takeshi insisted.

Later, Yuka, back in her human disguise, left to talk with her fellow lizardfolk about the  
locations of the Paragons. When she came back, this is what she reported.

"Okay, they said the Paragons are of Valor, Judgement, Beauty, Rebirth, Righteousness, Hygene,  
Etiquitte, and Good Grades. The Paragon of Beauty was last seen in Sonictown."

Takeshi squealed "EEEEEEEEE! Sonictown! I love that place."

"Aw, hell. C'mon, let's get this over with." Yuji said.

They went to Sonictown. The reason it's called that is because it's home to dozen of  
fan-interpretations of Sonic the Hedgehog.

They first went to Yuka's informant, Sonic the Schizophrenic Alcoholic. Yuka knocked on the door.

"Uuuuuuunh, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! WHATTA YA WANT?"

"It's me, Yuka. We're here about the Paragon of Beauty."

"Go away, the demons in the walls are hungry. They want fresh meat...  
They're gonna chop you into little slices and make you a pork-chop dinner..."

Kazuya yelled "Tough shit for them, I'M a demon OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR  
who wants to have a word with you, so open the fucking door," Kazuya turned toward  
Takeshi "(You have to say 'fucking', 'cause it makes you sound tough.) before I  
break it and do the aforementioned things to YOU."

Sonic opened the fucking (because it makes you sound tough) door.

He lived in a worn-down apartment that smelled like vomit, with demons in the walls, and he  
was dressed in shoes that bore blood-stains and a ragged bomber jacket.  
"Make it quick, I've got a hangover that could kill a cow."

Yuka asked "Where'd you last see the Paragon of Beauty?"

"The Black Beauty, she grips my heart with her cruel black thorny hands and-"

Yuka clocked him in the face. "I said the PARAGON of Beauty, dipshit!  
Where did you last see her?"

Clutching his jaw, Sonic said "She was at Sonic the Psychopath's place."

So they went to interrogate  Sonic the Psychopath, who sent them to Sonic the Drug-Addict,  
who sent them to Sonic the Pianist, and then they were sent to Sonic the Gardener, Sonic the Poet,  
Sonic the Doctor, Sonic the Illegal Immigrant, Sonic the Diaper-Fetishist, Sonic the Aristocrat,  
and several other Sonics until finally they met Sonic the Cat-Boy playing with a ball of yarn.

"Nyaaaaa, the Paragon of Mewty is purrently headed to Warped Destiny World. Wanna wub my bewwy? MAYBE I won't bite! ;3"

The crew left Sonic the Cat-Boy to his own devices and headed over to Warped Destiny World.

  

Chapter 4: Stupid, STUPID monkey!

On the car trip there, they decided to stop by Yuji's place so he could break the news of  
his alignment change to them. Yuji came out of the house sobbing.

"What happened?" Yuka asked.

Yuji wiped his face and said "They rejected me, Dad said I wasn't his son anymore, and  
Mom threatened to send me to a Realignment camp."

"So what did you do, hon?" Yuka asked, her hand on Yuji's shoulder.

"I mowed them down."

"Atta boy." Damien said.

Then they went to Kazuya's place and he broke the news of his newly discovered sexuality,  
species change, and alignment change. They took it rather well.

"We love you, no matter how many copyrights you infringe by existing." And they hugged.

Takeshi broke the news of his fetish, sexuality, and alignment.

His parents didn't notice he was there.

"MY PARENTS DON'T LOVE MEEEEEEEEEE!" he bawled.

"Hm? You say something, Takeshi?" Kazuya asked.

Lastly, they stopped by Yuka's house.  
She had no news to break, she just wanted stop and say "Hi!".

After that pointless nonsense, they arrived at Warped Destiny World.

The gate was a pink arch featuring Jack Frost and a Starman.

As they passed through it, a voice on the telecom said "Welcome to Warped Destiny World,  
where bad guys go to have a good time!"

When Yuji passed through, an alarm sounded.

A little screen came down showing a meter. The intercom said "Woah, buster!  
You must be this evil to enter without villainous supervision."

"He's my minion, he'll be fine." Kazuya said.

"Okay, then! Be careful with the company you keep, your alignment might be affected."

They passed through the gate, and went to the monorail station.

"Okay, guys, where should we look first?" Damien asked.

"Well, how about the Torrent of Torment?", Takeshi said while pointing to said attraction.

"OK, fine, but I usually get sick watching those guys spin,  
so have your minions bring a towel." Damien said.

"Awww, fuck." Yuji and Yuka said.  
The guide, a lilim dressed as Alice, giggled and said "Welcome to the The Torrent of Torment! It is very much like the Other Themepark's teacup ride, except that you don't ride it yourself, you tie some sucker to the seat, and spin the handle that controls it from a distance  
for as long as you like! Any projectile vomit will usually land on the glass screen in front of you,  
so don't worry about getting wet! This attraction is not recommended for those with an  
Empathy Level of 3 or higher, so try not to feel TOO sorry for them, tee hee!"

Damien excused himself, much to Yuji and Yuka's relief.

The remaining three spun to their hearts' content, Yuji getting points towards his desired alignment.

"That was fun!" Yuka said.

"I feel more evil already." Yuji said.

Damien said "While you were fucking around, I found a lead on the Paragon of Beauty's location."

"Really? How reliable was it?" Kazuya asked.

Damien pointed to the Paragon of Beauty, atop the Satanella Castle, covering it in  
sparkles and roses.

She was a short large-chested mouse anthro wearing a bow and polka-dotted black khaki pants.  
"I, Tinniefa Mousehart, shall make this place pure and beautiful! All the uglyness shall be wiped away! Bibbily-babbly-moo! Hee hee!"

"Ah. Pretty reliable." Kazuya said.

As they infiltrated the castle, they were accosted by the Katamari that rolled up their house earlier.  
"Naaaaa-nananana-na-na!"

"Aw, damn." Kazuya said.

"Alright, I've always wanted to try these!" Yuka pulled out some home-made explosives,  
multi-bottle rockets, molotov cocktails, and firecrackers.

She hurled them at the katamari with reckless abandon, blasting off huge chunks of it at a time.

The katamari was reduced to a size where it could only roll up very small people.

Guess what happened next.

After Tinniefa was rolled up, a voice from above said "Put that ball down and come over here, boy! It's not your fault for failing that grandma who wanted her own planet. It's ours for thinking you could do it." And then lasers shot at the Prince, and he disappeared.

Everyone stared at the wreckage for a minute.

Damien finally broke the silence and said "That wasn't quite as badass as I'd hoped for,  
but it got the job done."

And so they returned to the Lair, and Kazuya and Takeshi did more unspeakable things to each other.  
Will our villains kill the remaining Paragons in a similarly bullshit fashion? Will the katamari strike again? WILL KAZUYA'S EXISTENCE BRING ABOUT A LAWSUIT? YOU'LL NEVER FIND OUT!

**Author's Note:**

> If you're wondering, he gave up on writing that fanfic.
> 
> At any rate, this ordeal is now over! Bring out the confetti, the good kind!


End file.
